Learning Conflict Has To Start Somewhere

photo by Vic, Flickr Creative Commons

photo by Vic, Flickr Creative Commons

The biggest reason relationships fail?

Inability to do conflict.

So, learning conflict is essential in long-term relationships.


It is a vital part of an empowered marriage.

In fact, it’s so vital, that if you don’t learn it, your relationship will undoubtedly fail.

So, when you’ve been avoiding conflict most of your life but you are ready to lean in, read stage 1. below. If you are more okay with conflict, read stage 2.

Stage 1 Experiment

You need to start somewhere.

No matter how skillful you say it, you can’t control their reaction, nor should you.

Speaking truth, saying the “hard” thing, and giving feedback, if done reasonably well, and if done coming from a place of service and love, allows the recipient to go deeper into their journey in life.

Even if you make a giant mess because you were sloppy with your communication, at least things are moving.

Yes, it might be that they are super upset by what you shared, but there’s zero problem with being super upset. That’s good for their growth. It put them in touch with some pain that needs healing. If you really care about them and your relationship with them, stop trying to manage their reaction and bring who you are.

Let’s not be so arrogant to assume you know what’s best for others, thinking you know what they can handle and what they can’t.

When you do this, you hide behind your fear, making them responsible for the reason you are not being yourself.

Also, their strong reaction doesn’t mean they can’t handle it. It just means they are having a reaction, plain and simple.

You can’t wait for some imaginary place of perfect communication until you deliver the goods. There isn’t such a place. So, if you find yourself blaming them for your unwillingness to engage, try setting the blame down, and lean in instead.

It will help your relationship go to the next level.

If your claim is that you want a different kind of interaction, more honesty, more juice, or you want more truth or depth, then it’s up to you to take a risk.

Start experimenting.

You just might find it brings you closer. And, you also might find, besides freeing up clogged baggage, that you learn something new about yourself.

Stage 2. Getting serious

If you are getting a tiny bit more comfortable with conflict, now is time to make tweaks and adjust your listening habits and delivery.

Now that you are committed to making conflict a regular and welcome part of your life, you’ll want to learn how to be skillful.

You’ll need to learn the ins and outs of proper communication.

Next, watch this hour long video about the fastest way to end frustrating fights and you’ll be well on your way.

Stage 3. Mastery

Eventually you can move on to the third stage where you look for conflict so you can de-escalate it. People in this camp, know how to calm others down because they can put out relationship fires instantly.


Sign up for a free webinar on how to learn conflict October 28th at 12:30pm MT here:

Free Dissolving Conflict Webinar



1 Comment

  • Renee vanNorman

    Reply Reply December 10, 2015

    I missed the webinar…. grrrr
    Is there an archive or someplace that my spouse and I can either listen or read it?
    Thanks, Renée

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