Owning My Part Is The Way Out of Any Conflict

What makes intimacy tricky sometimes is that in your attempts to feel seen, heard, and known, (often what we most desire) you may take a risk and share who you are in a vulnerable moment. But instead of being received, you feel misunderstood, judged, and not really heard by me. Your share triggered me into my stuff and now I’m on the defensive, feeling blamed or made wrong for how you are feeling. Sometimes this can escalate into a long fight, or rift between us.

WTF just happened?

Well, I got triggered. My own past prevented me from seeing you. Your vulnerability and the way you shared it reminded me of (___________) and I got hooked there. Then, you got derailed by me being triggered and went into your stuff, projecting that I was your (__________). Now, I’m really triggered because you’re reacting, just like my mom, and I want to point out how lame you are for derailing this whole thing. You then, are so fed up you walk away with your hands in the air, judging me, and wondering if you’re crazy and why you’re with me. I get triggered by you leaving the conversation because of my abandonment stuff (that I’m not aware of), so I get desperate and try to get you to come back and “work it out” with me but I’m doing it from a place of panic and charge, so you don’t receive it or trust it (as you shouldn’t b/c it’s loaded with my baggage).

And on and on we go…..

Anyone relate to this one?

Both parties need some love and some help.

I see this dynamic all the time and it doesn’t need to go down this way. At any point, the most mature, resourced person has a responsibility and choice to own up to what’s going on, with themselves.

Both of us need a shared vision, shared map and shared tools. I need “awareness,” and the desire to work through the stuff on my side, so that I can receive you. And, what you do is your business. Sure, I have a preference that you go work on your triggers and hurts that come up in relationship to me, but I don’t need that. I’m committed to my own development and to working through my part. I’m committed to having you feel understood and received by me. Why? Because you matter to me. Because I want to know you, all of you.



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  • AndreaA

    Reply Reply May 31, 2015

    Easier said than done, like most goals in life. A bit of turning of the cheek?

  • Jared

    Reply Reply January 16, 2016

    This is so right and easy to see when you are not in the middle of your feelings. For those of us that suffer from panic/anxiety disorders this can go in a very bad direction quickly. I am still figuring this out to ensure I don’t get into a panic but the answer is somewhere around being kind to your self. I wish I knew the magical formula to get out of this situation however it is my daily practice to figure it out.

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