Surrendering Into Greater Love

Photo By Joshua Levin

As many of you know, I have been in a massive surrendering process for almost two years now.

My habitual “push” is getting less and less air time and my willingness to surrender and trust is becoming more of a daily reality.

My ongoing softening process has been facilitated largely by my children. They continue to chisel away at my defenses and blocks, opening me to more and more love.

I’m also getting support from my wife Ellen, Megan Eggers, David Cates, meditation, and the occasional ayahuasca dive.

More support recently came from an experience at the Authentic Community Leadership course led by Decker Cunov, Kendra Cunov, and Bryan Bayer of Authentic World.

I helped facilitate small groups throughout the weekend around the subject of community leadership. Yet, largely the weekend was about relationship practice—seeing and being seen.

I got to work alongside new and old friends and a few folks from Authentic World team, mainly Decker, Kendra, and Bryan. I learned a lot from them and it felt so awesome to be humble enough to learn from my peers. I am pretty much the only facilitator not trained in their modality of “circling,” yet they trust me enough to do my thing (more evidence that I’m okay just as I am).

And, on the very last night with two hours to go until we closed, my brother Adrial Dale, a guy who I’ve never met, who has been following this blog since its inception, shared with me how I have changed his life.

With tears in his eyes, he recounted how he judged the shit out of me three years ago. Then how over time he slowly grew to respect me. He gave example after example of how I have touched him and inspired him to put himself out there. The exercise was supposed to be about him and somehow the tables turned and he just kept firing love bombs at me. Slowly, with no defensiveness, or deflecting away, I let his love in.

My whole body was buzzing, tears welled up. Something in me just kept saying YES to his honest, vulnerable truth. A near total stranger was seeing me, really seeing me.

I let his love in completely. And, it shattered me into pieces.

I cried. I laughed.

The photo above is me lying on the floor after Adrial sliced me open with his love.

Wow.

More new and old friends moved in to just witness me and hold me there. I must have been on the floor (in the middle of the room) for a good hour while the workshop kept going. I couldn’t get up and it felt soooo good to just lay there in a puddle.

I deeply received his experience of me. Receiving love has been a major edge in my life and this experience was very affirming at the progress I’ve made. Whew.

And this is what can happen in community and when we dare to be ourselves and share openly with others how they have impacted us.

More please.

 

 

15 Comments

  • Shelly Birger Phillips

    Reply Reply November 11, 2011

    I am so moved by this. Thank you for sharing your experience with the world. I’m grateful that you’re on this journey with us.

  • Adrial Dale

    Reply Reply November 11, 2011

    Wow! I’m totally lovin’ reading this. Laughing out loud, feeling out loud, my whole body buzzing. That was a beautiful connection with you, brotha. Still is as I read this. And yes: More please.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply November 20, 2011

      Right? super deep dude. thanks for being the tipping point and dropping your bombs the way only you do. ­čÖé

  • Kristopher Brons

    Reply Reply November 12, 2011

    Yes! I got such an energy surge reading this!
     Thank you Jayson. Thank you Adrial. More Please.

  • Kristopher Brons

    Reply Reply November 12, 2011

    Yes! I just got such an energy surge reading this!
    *deep breath*
    Thank you Jayson.
    Thank you Adrial.
    More please.

  • Dan Sieling

    Reply Reply November 12, 2011

    Jayson, I’m tearing up as I read this. I have to admit, I judged you as well back in the day, and wasn’t sure how we’d experience each other during the weekend. Can’t even begin to tell you how loved, supported, and held I felt by you from the moment you approached me out in the middle of the floor to when you had your arm around me at the end as I felt and expressed my pain. I love you my brother, and I hope we connect again soon. You ARE a gift.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply November 20, 2011

      Thank you Dan. No worries. People are still judging me (and you, and all of us) all the time. I can’t let that get in my way although it can sometimes take me out for a spell.

      Yes yes. So wonderful seeing you and being in your presence at ACL. right back at you. the gift is in the mirror.

  • Erin Brandt

    Reply Reply November 18, 2011

    That’s cuz Adrial fucking rocks.

    His seeing me has brought me to tears, too.
    He has such a beautiful way of speaking his vision and truth…
    I felt so beautifully, delicately, deeply seen.
    And appreciated.

    So glad you got to experience Adrial and his high quality love, Jayson.

    Adrial, thanks for bringing YOU… to me, to Jayson, to your Mom, to the world.
    Mmmmmmmmmm…

    Hoping a reason develops to bring yourself to SF again soon…

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply November 20, 2011

      Thank you Erin! ha ha. Glad we both know Adrial in this way! Thanks as always for commenting here!

  • Yuri Albinger

    Reply Reply November 27, 2011

    I loved reading this… Thank you Jayson for letting love in and showing us all how possible it is to receive and surrender. Over. And over.

    The sharing of your experience always resonates with me and my experience. Feels great and feels like we are in this together when I read your words.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply November 29, 2011

      Thank you Yuri. I love feeling your support and care.

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