Ten Signs I’m Disconnected from My Heart

Sometimes I just feel disconnected from myself.

You? Do you ever feel irritable, grumpy, or just plain dull?

Have you ever felt like all you want to do is pull away from the people you care most about?

Or…

Have you felt like an upsurge in your sugar consumption? facebook surfing, or like you just want to take a nap and turn it all off for a while?

Prior to having any tools, I did all these, and more.

I called it my “funk.”

I wasn’t pleasant to be around.

Everyone annoyed me.

But then when I finally found space to be alone, I discovered that I didn’t really want to be alone either.

Hmmm…

What is going on here? 

Once I started working on myself and learning about my issues, I learned that when I behave like this, I’ve got a low grade trigger going on which has me disconnected.

Disconnection is the issue, and something triggered me into feeling this way, so I have two areas of myself I need to address.

This was a major discovery, and changed the course of my relationships forever.

But why do we disconnect?

Disconnection is a resilient strategy we all learned in childhood to escape our immediate experience which very few of us knew how to be with. We dissociated or “ran away” in our mind and from our body. This is the nervous system’s “flight” response and it’s brilliant.

Knowing this can help us be gentle with ourselves when we inevitably run away in a relationship.

There’s more…

After you discover you are disconnected, you need to find the trigger, or the source.

But we’ll get to that in a moment.

First, how do you know you’re disconnected, and what are the signs? Here’s my menu of the 10 most common signs (feel free to leave yours below):

Signs and symptoms I’m disconnected:

  1. Fighting and disconnection with my partner
  2. Feeling a low grade funk. I’m the grumpy guy at the grocery store
  3. Irritability, easily annoyed. My porcupine quills extend. I’m less approachable and others can feel it
  4. Flatter affect. My face looks serious, dull, and emotionless. If I smile, it’s fake
  5. General depressed vibe, unmotivated, uninspired, and wanting a hit of dopamine to take the edge off
  6. Easily triggered by minor things thus I get into silly fights with my partner and let small stuff bother me
  7. Objectifying women which eventually leads to porn use (before I quit porn)
  8. I look for distractions. I eat more sugar. I snack when I’m not really hungry. I stay on facebook longer, I check email every 2 seconds, I click dumb videos to watch on youtube, etc.
  9. I isolate, unconsciously pushing people away, but simultaneously feeling sorry for myself and wanting someone to notice me

I’m sure you can relate to a few of these eh?

Remember, the first step here is to recognize and be aware that I somehow lost connection…

…This took me quite a while to figure out. I would not have been able to see it on my own.

I needed trusted guides, a men’s group, a powerful woman in my life, and rock solid support.

Once you recognize you are disconnected, the second step is to find the source (see below), and the third step is to get connected again asap (see below).

Why?

Once you reconnect to you, it’s like the sun coming back out after a dismal cloudy day.

If you can learn how to re-connect with you, your life is simply brighter, you can accomplish more, you are more powerful, clear, and on point.

It feels freakin’ amazing to come back home to who I am.

Okay fine, so how the hell do I get there?

The way back into self-connection

1. When did this feeling start?

2. What caused this feeling? What happened in the past few days/weeks that is noteworthy?

3. Isolate the incident, event, or relationship fight or issue that “triggered” you into feeling this way.

4. Get in your body. Disconnection is another form of dissociation and not being present, in our bodies, or in our heart.

5. Dive in an feel it. That’s right, just Feel like you mean it. It’s just like a wave and will pass soon.

6. Get in-relationship with a close friend. Find the closest person in your life and ask them to “connect” with you. I find, one of the fastest ways back to self-connection is through another. Own what is happening. Start by saying “I’m scared” or something else that is vulnerable and true (I go through this process extensively in my trainings and classes).

7. Commit to taking care of the root issue. Finding the core issue and beginning to clear it, will set you free. The next time you get triggered like that, you will be less and less likely over time to get “taken out” by that experience. See how the trigger is serving you in your highest growth.

————

Prior to any inner work, I spent months and years feeling the above signs and symptoms and thought it was normal and like I just had to live this way.

Once I recognize these signs and symptoms (Some of these are so subtle it’s tricky to catch on quickly. Sometimes, it might take me a few hours or a few days), I know that I must make it a top priority to feel.

I must dive into my heart-body and feel. Feel my hurt, rage and grief. The more I feel these friends of mine, the more I come back into my center, back into my heart, back into my soul’s body. And, once again I’ve come back home to myself and it feels soooooo good.

10 Comments

  • Mark Parbus

    Reply Reply November 1, 2012

    There have been times when I have felt some or all of them. I too thought that it was normal until I some of the people told me that I was different. Most of them told me when I got out of the funk. The biggest fear is still what other people will think of my actions. The more I learn to trust myself to do the best thing, the less I feel it.

  • Angela Chen Shui

    Reply Reply November 11, 2012

    Jason,

    Visiting from Twitter… 😉
    Wonderful post.

    One of the HUGE challenges on Earth now is for each of us to get really comfortable with our internal guidance system. And that’s hugely rooted in our emotions.

    Thanks for highlighting how emotions can help us align deeper within so we also stay shining in our outer lives more easily.

    Angela

  • ozan

    Reply Reply June 18, 2014

    but sometimes you hurt way too much and cant make the connection because the bridge was broken. actually i wonder how much time did it take to digest the connection process?
    sorry my english; i am drunk and lost in lots of ways

  • jackie

    Reply Reply February 15, 2016

    Hi Jason,
    Lately I feel disconnected from my body, feelings, people, surroundings , emotions everyhting.
    How do I find the rootcause?
    And how do I feel connected again and will I ever feel? Will meditation help? I get questions like whats the purpose of life etc etc. Is this some kind of spiritual calling? I am catholic but not religious. I do not know what is happening? Appreciate your response and help please

    • phil

      Reply Reply March 26, 2016

      ozan, i know what you mean. im 63 and have only now trying to get out of my fog.
      good luck to you

  • Eileen

    Reply Reply March 12, 2016

    In response to Jackie, I am going through the same, I have found meditation and being in the park, being in nature helps temporarily, I am seeking a more lasting improvement, I was also bought up catholic,but I would describe myself as spiritualist, on that note, I believe it is a spiritual change for me I need to do my purpose, I reaffirm every day that all is well, try positive affirmations and cleansing of your energy field. Good luck

  • Amanda

    Reply Reply November 4, 2016

    I think it’s a very common concern for people who are going through life and began seeing a relationship dynamic or now it has been engraved as learned patterns. After several or many years of experiences of dating and getting in and out of long-term relationships and even marriage following divorces, these relationships are ending and that can easily make anyone disconnect from sharing,saving their painful state of being, questioning what is not working for them is the way a lot of people are thinking about others and the days of recovering from breakups as well as high divorce rates actually may had never been anything anyone anticipates and can even possibly question everything and anything that is out of our control about the outcome of any kind of attachment to another person. That’s what human connection is not. Now more than ever people are quite hesitant about marriage and the actual ones that are going through this type of unforseen trauma in some cases can really feel so lost, lonely and fearful of the future bc no outcome is ever a guarantee despite vows and covenants. Actually I think it’s easy for people to blame or over-generalize their past unsuccessful relationships as a personal source. After blaming or having feelings of shame, people do experience all kinds of pain, depression, PTSD, Addictions and some cases maybe even experience identity loss or midlife crisis. Isolation and disconnection is the almost as much pain if not equal to the pain of constant loss and grief. Just a thought. Hope everyone works with someone who is able to help with the inner work after the experiences of this. Good luck to all. Jayson Gaddis, you are great!!

  • Animesh

    Reply Reply February 9, 2018

    SOUNDS like the article was written only for me..I know what’s the issue, where it were started..and I know the only way I can reconnect with my heart. ..is through a stable relationship with either a friend or a partner because it’s the best and quick way. .and I’m the kind of person who will only learn to love himself by loving someone else or by someone’s loving company and support. ..but I think It’s too late..because I’ve pushed everyone away. And right now I’m all alone with my burned and closed HEART. .I feel so ooooo sorry for me. …thanks.

  • Carmen

    Reply Reply May 20, 2018

    This is a wonderful article because I’ve been with someone for five years that’s disconnected from his heart and it’s taking him so long but I do see some progress I did read the part where it says that sometimes you need a strong woman and I feel that I am a strong woman how else can I help besides just being myself and supporting him thank you so much

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