The Shadow and My Major Blind Spot

The ShadowFor years, folks have been giving me a certain kind of reflection. It went something like this:

“Jayson, I appreciate what you are telling me, but “how” you are telling me is kind of harsh.” In other words, I would often laser in with my very accurate bullshit detector, but “how” I called bullshit left people feeling stung and even hurt.

Sometimes, even today, I give people feedback as a way to push them away in order to get some personal space. I also have cut people out of my life because the story was “I can’t stand your neediness.” (more to the story below…)

In fact, I used to unconsciously get in a fight with my wife to get some space from her because I was too afraid to ask for space directly (a classic enmeshed relationship pattern). Do you have some version of this?

The feedback others gave me was the kind of mirroring which was attempting to point me to my blind spots. At first I was defensive. Later I was open to hear it. Now, I begrudgingly give thanks when someone points out a blind spot, otherwise know as my shadow.

The Shadow

Ah yes, the shadow. We all have one. As Carl Jung said, 

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well0meant intentions.”

The shadow is essentially what we are unconscious to within ourselves. The shadow can run our lives if we are not careful. Contrary to popular belief, the shadow is not some dark, bad part of us that we must “get rid of.” The shadow is as valid as any other part of us and it needs our curiousity, love, attention, kindness and acceptance.

Once we finally see our shadow, we can begin to heal it, reclaim it, and become whole again.

As a “healer” it is pretty easy to fall victim to hiding my shadow from my clients and mentees. Most western therapies train the therapist to reveal very little about themselves so the patient or client can project onto them. Then, the therapist works the projection and the person can begin to heal. While this is valid and largely a good technique for certain folks, it is far from what I am doing these days.

I continue to reveal more of who I am not only because this is one aspect of the new masculine paradigm, but because people keep telling me my truth-telling serves them. It gives other men “permission” and inspiration to do the same.

Even still, this one is hard to admit. I don’t like admitting what I admit in this video, but it is crucial to my path. It is paramount that I continue to tell the full truth about myself so as to be fearless and free.

Not surprisingly, after uncovering this shadow last Sunday night and being raw all week, my shadow surfaced three specific times. Three times I lashed out toward others. Ouch.

Watch the video as I take responsibility for my main shadow.

Keep reading below after you watch the video for it to make the most sense.

To review

I was hurt as a kid through energetic, emotional, psychic “invasion” of my boundaries (among a two others: abandonment & rejection). I tried to set boundaries as an infant by screaming, pushing, kicking, or whatever. This was unsuccessful so I eventually gave in and shut down, allowing my parents and others to engulf me and do what they wanted to with me.

As an adult, when I perceive someone is “invading” my space by talking too much, not respecting my time or boundaries, people who tell me how I’m feeling instead of asking, or being needy, I immediately have a reaction. It triggers the old memory of invasion and I habitually respond the same way I always have, by bullying.

When my experience is that someone is being “invasive” through whatever action, I have a choice. Set a boundary or allow them to keep going. It has been very hard for me to set a boundary as I’m afraid I’m going to hurt their feelings. The deeper cut is that I am more afraid of what I’m going to have to feel seeing them hurt or mad. So, my form of protecting myself is to abandon myself and my truth so as to not rock the boat and in order to maintain relationship.

The Practice?

  1. Honor my space. Tell friends, family, and others that what I am working on. Get their buy-in and support of what my issue is and what I’m doing about it.
  2. Love the very hurt little boy that the bully is protecting. Feel him. Breathe love and acceptance into him.
  3. Love myself. Do this by setting conscious boundaries from a non-triggered place. Know immediately when I start feeling invaded by someone and speak up by owning “I feel invaded right now, I’m going inward. I feel scared you are not respecting my space” or something similar to this.
  4. Once I set the boundary, relax into the space.
  5. If I fuck up and lash out with the bully, go back and clean it up by owning what I did and listen to how that impacted them. Acknowledge and validate.
  6. Get back in conscious relationship with self and other.
  7. Be willing to risk losing the relationship if a person is not able or willing to respect my boundary.

Remember Jung who said, “Man’s task is to become conscious of the contents that press upward from the unconscious.” This has always been my task and I believe the task of any spiritual man. The more you can discover and then own up to your shadow, the less it will run you.

My challenge to you

Since we all have a shadow, investigate yours. Commit to finding the bottom, the source. Coming to shining the light of LOVE on your shadow so that you can experience more wholeness and connection.

And, if you have felt bullied by me, just let me know. And, my commitment is to let you know when I feel invaded or taken advantage of.

“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.”

—Carl Jung

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15 Comments

  • Craig Filek

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    I feel way safer around you now that I trust you're workin with your shadow projections… thanks bro. And thanks for modeling owning your shadow. It's powerful.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply September 20, 2010

      yup. thanks for hanging in there!

  • Boysen

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    F'in A. MY HAND IS UP. I have not felt bullied by you. Honestly, I don't think I have let myself commit to you enough to get that close. Because I HAVE recognized some of my own shadows in you. My bully often shows up as … I just don't have time for your littleness. I know what the fuck I'm talking about and you should just go back to your un-evolved little world. I will smile with a kind of gentle dismissal … and disconnect from you. This has definitely cost me.

    Feeling excited to be on the carpet with you in a few days. And grateful for your shadow (and my own).

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply September 20, 2010

      Thanks bro. Feeling you! Yes! See you soon brother!

  • Kirk Hoffman

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    Thanks for stepping up and putting that out there.

    One Shadow that I struggle with is the Orphan. The source is easy to pinpoint: my father dying unexpectedly when I was 14 followed by each family member doing their own thing to cope.

    The downside is having feelings of abandonment and isolation that can lead to my pulling back from intimate relationships, which further reinforces the Shadow. It is not a healthy disengagement.

    I can also dismiss people who I would not choose to be part of my circle.

    As such, I need to continually focus on reaching out, connecting, and honoring others.

    The strength that I draw from it is a foundational feeling of being able to survive on my own and a level of capable independence.

    The work, as always, is to nurture the strength and heal the weakness.

    Again, thanks for providing an example for men to follow in this area.

  • michael mccarthy

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    boo-yah! thanks a lot Jason for stepping into this. You’re example has really helped me to see that I react to being invaded by shutting down, resenting the relationship and eventually abandoning it – the opposite of bullying but the same desired effect, ‘safety’.

    i am taking this knowledge into my men’s group on wednesday night where i can be witnessed in making a commitment to own this part of myself.
    many blessings to you!

  • Makestuffsimple

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    I don't know you. But I watched some earlier videos (months? a year ago?), and you struck me as a totally different guy from what I see today, and not in a way that sat well with me at the time. Too brash, too in-my-face as a prospect, etc. But this, what you've put out there for us today, makes me see a lot of my own shit in stark relief…the difference being, you're dealing with it. Publicly. Props, and I'll keep watching. Strength to you.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply September 20, 2010

      Thank you. Yeah. It has been a ride of undoing and letting go of what no longer serves.

  • SpidaHunter

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    How timely brother, I have recently created a concsious boundary of, “take me or leave me” I don't give a shit BUT don't come into my space & fuck my shit up or you may get a reactive me or mature version of me!

    Today “my space” was invaded without any regards to consequences & I've been processing it for most of the day & only just started to see fact vs reaction…..

    Then I find this, hmmmm maybe some more exploring at my end of the “bully” in me or to find a more mature approach to take it or leave it type hard core attitude.

    anyway brother, love your honesty as always!

  • Geoff

    Reply Reply September 20, 2010

    Another great post Jayson. I also have never felt bullied by you, but it is really great to see a different sort of vulnerability emerging (at least publicly). The teaching on shadow is extremely important, as is the sharing of what you see as the roots of the pattern in childhood. All of us men (hell, all of us people) need to have a loving grip on that young part of us that dominates so much of our behavior and reactions in shadow.

    Looking forward to getting to be with you and the other brothers this weekend, and having us all share our brilliance and our shadows with each other in the service of the new masculine (and men's work) paradigms waiting to be birthed.

    With deep appreciation,
    Geoff

  • Brettlees

    Reply Reply September 21, 2010

    I've experienced your shadow as a brashness or harshness in feedback. It's been fairly common and I've accepted it as part of you. But I love the way you are working this now, as an example of how to work with my own shadow. I see myself in some of what you are saying, I see and feel change in you even on the video clip, and your experience and challenge have me HUNGRY to go there myself.

    Thanks for the openness!

  • Bryce

    Reply Reply September 22, 2010

    Jayson. This is so powerful, so potent, so authentically spoken and embodied. You stepping into this place has me very inspired.

    I haven't (knowingly) been on the receiving end of any of your bullying. And what I've seen (that night in the kiva) was a supremely sharp sword carved from a love of truth, and a love for your brothers. It was a unique space, but I have no doubt that space is always available to each of us (though it might feel like it's buried under a heap of pain, resistance, suffering, and the like). And, given that that's where I've spent most of my time with you, I have a very clear picture of what you are capable of when moving from love.

    My own shadow revolves around neglecting my own desires, needs, passions. So easy for me to adapt and merge with the projects and agendas of others, as a way of avoiding direct engagement with my own vision and purpose. When I allow myself to get sidetracked, I can become passive-aggressive with the project I've adapted to; my heart's just not in it, but now I'm afraid of backing out, and all of this can be so intense that I just…begin…to fall…asleep. And when I contemplate getting back on my own track, it's scary – because it's mine, and I'm not sure if it'll be valued by anyone other than me (which usually does not feel like enough). So it's often easier to just bury my own project, while waiting for everyone else's agendas to lose steam.

    All of this done unconsciously, of course. Perhaps with moments of light shining in – which emphasizes how painful the whole drama is, and I either a) fall back into a “sleep” (more common), or b) blow up in a rage (rare).

    You mention “shining the light of LOVE on your shadow so that you can experience more wholeness and connection”. YES. I experience this LOVE (as a friend of mine has aptly stated) as brilliant and powerful as a supernova – and that's what it takes to wake me up, when I'm spiraling down the black hole of shadow-play. If I can open the door to this immense and brilliant love, and let it run through me – my body, my awareness – it saturates me, blasts through all resistance, and I'm left standing, solid, whole, and wholly uncompromised and energized.

    Deep bow to you and your unfolding/emerging, Jayson.

  • Wolf Pascoe

    Reply Reply September 23, 2010

    Jayson, I don't know you but I also see some of myself in what you're saying. I was taught that having boundaries was selfish and bad. (As you mention, both positive as well as negative parts may be forbidden. )

    As an aside, many years ago I attended a Great Mother Conference. One night there was lively discussion of heros and greatness. A lot of names were offered as examples. Bly was having none of it, shooting down one after another. Someone accused him of being too suspicious.

    “You know what the Chinese say?” he shot back. “The bigger the front the bigger the back.”

    In thinking about others, I've always found it helpful to bear this in mind.

  • Alex

    Reply Reply September 23, 2010

    Thanks so much for this post Jason. It helped me understand my own shadow, and I've been going to work on recognizing when it comes up and just being with it. A lot of my issues around my own shadow come from me not setting boundaries.

    I've been on the path of self discovery for about 7 years now. It always seemed like something was “missing” for me. I've explored everything from Tony Robbins, to Jim Rohn and David DeAngelo trying to fill this void. I have recently come across what you could call “men's work” material, and it has been more helpful for me than anything else over all these years. I found Trip Laniers “The New Man Podcast,” which led me to you. I feel so grateful to have found such great people and fabulous material. I see “self development” in a whole new (and more healthy) light. And it also put things into perspective, and I can relate to and appreciate all the other stuff more now. My relationships have improved greatly, and I feel more steady and grounded.

    So thanks again for being vulnerable and putting this up. This has helped me immensely. It made me realize a lot of us are going through similar things. It feels good to know that even somebody like yourself, who has done a lot of work, still has some things to figure out. I always felt like I was “bad” because I wasn't perfect. I believed everybody completely had their shit together except for me. I was unconsciously ashamed of my shadow and would sweep it under the rug and hide whenever it came up. Now I realize there's gold in there…

  • Alex

    Reply Reply September 24, 2010

    Thanks so much for this post Jason. It helped me understand my own shadow, and I've been going to work on recognizing when it comes up and just being with it. A lot of my issues around my own shadow come from me not setting boundaries.

    I've been on the path of self discovery for about 7 years now. It always seemed like something was “missing” for me. I've explored everything from Tony Robbins, to Jim Rohn and David DeAngelo trying to fill this void. I have recently come across what you could call “men's work” material, and it has been more helpful for me than anything else over all these years. I found Trip Laniers “The New Man Podcast,” which led me to you. I feel so grateful to have found such great people and fabulous material. I see “self development” in a whole new (and more healthy) light. And it also put things into perspective, and I can relate to and appreciate all the other stuff more now. My relationships have improved greatly, and I feel more steady and grounded.

    So thanks again for being vulnerable and putting this up. This has helped me immensely. It made me realize a lot of us are going through similar things. It feels good to know that even somebody like yourself, who has done a lot of work, still has some things to figure out. I always felt like I was “bad” because I wasn't perfect. I believed everybody completely had their shit together except for me. I was unconsciously ashamed of my shadow and would sweep it under the rug and hide whenever it came up. Now I realize there's gold in there…

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