Your Valid Need For Separateness in Relationship

Photo by Moyan_Brenn, creative commons, Flickr

Photo by Moyan_Brenn, creative commons, Flickr

A lot of folks, including me, get trapped into thinking that intimacy equals closeness. But if any of us are paying attention to ourselves, we see the setup in that. If we see intimacy through this perspective, we spend vast amounts of energy denying, rejecting, or judging ourselves around our need for space and separateness. Some of us might even become co-dependent or emotionally fused with our partner in our denial of this fundamental need. Instead of this kind of one-sided intimacy, let’s embrace the other side—separateness. Then ask ourselves, “How to I accept these seemingly contradictory energies at the same time, rather than pretend to be all about closeness?” It is critical, if we want long-term, vibrant intimacy, that we heed the words of Bruce Tift and come to know and accept intimacy as a balancing act between separateness and closeness.

1 Comment

  • Nichole Been

    Reply Reply May 30, 2013

    Hits home! I don’t think our differences came out as much until my husband and I had our first child. We have taken years learning how to honor each other’s unique path and separate feelings on so many matters. We both need space, both physically and spiritually, as well as with our words. Compromise is key, and for me that doesn’t mean that we have to meet in the middle by means of right or wrong, it just means that it’s important that we hear one another and respect where we are. It’s all about how we say it, not what we say. Thank you for this.

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